George W. Bush, President
The White House
Washington, DC, USA

To my loyal and admiring subjects: This resume is written in an informal style without editing by Karl Rove to prove that I’m an independent thinker and a regular guy who shares mainstream American values with you all, just as I speak plainly at my occasional press conferences in response to pre screened and pre approved questions to make sure I don’t get confused and my message gets out there clearly.  If the English language doesn’t have exactly the right word for what I want to say, I make one up just to make sure my message isn’t misconsumed.

LEADERSHIP PREPARATION

FAMILY BACKGROUND:  Thanks to my grandfathers, George Herbert Walker and Senator Prescott Bush, my family is pretty well fixed.  They had lots of business interests in Germany during the 1920s and 1930s, including oil and steel that Hitler needed to develop his military so those were great markets to be involved in.  Grandpa Prescott was a director of the Union Banking Corporation, which was also owned by Nazi industrialists who hid about $3 million in granddad’s bank.  After the assets were seized and the bank dissolved by the government in 1942, granddad and his father Sam each received $1.5 million.  That was good money in those days, and it sure kept us on the right track despite the loss of income streams from Germany.  And it sure taught us that war profiteering is good business.  But to start wars, you have to get into politics.  I just wish Dick’s guys weren’t quite so obvious about it.

EDUCATION: I wasn’t much of a prep student but was admitted to Yale University on my family name, and managed to graduate.  I was a cheerleader in school and was active in organizing parties for my fraternity.  My Yale GPA wasn’t much to brag about, but so what?  I got into Harvard Business School on my family name too, so why bother to learn all those things other students have to learn to get ahead?  Life is too short to waste all that time trying to acquire knowledge and skills.  Besides, I have the Bible now and it’s all laid out there  –  everything you need to know in one book only about two inches thick.

MILITARY EXPERIENCE: Through the influence of my dad, then a Texas congressman and millionaire oilman, I was admitted to the Texas Air National Guard, pushed ahead of many better qualified candidates despite achieving a score of only 25% on the qualifying examination –  the lowest possible passing score.  But the Guard was just a safe way to avoid combat duty in Vietnam and didn’t really interest me.  I had better things to do, so I soon went AWOL for a year or so  – I don’t recall exactly how long since I was pretty busy  – so I may be a deserter although I’m not really familiar with the Uniform Code of Military Justice and besides, they wouldn’t dare to prosecute a Bush.  I did refuse to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use and was grounded, but now I’ve seen the light and have arranged to deny student aid to anybody ever convicted of even a misdemeanor drug offense.  Hey, all my second chances were provided by dad, on our family’s own money, not by the taxpayers.

LAW ENFORCEMENT BACKGROUND:  I proudly represent a born again partier, playboy and drunk who has made it to the top, and am unashamed to state that I have been arrested three times: for petty theft, disorderly conduct, and once in Kennebunkport, Maine in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol after driving off the road with my sister in the car.  I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days.  Big deal, I just used our chauffeur.  I kept drinking another 10 years or so after that and kept driving too, but never got arrested again.  My Texas driving record has been "lost" (wink) and is not available, so try to prove anything different.  And that’s 50% better than my pal, Dick Cheney.  He’s had two drunk driving arrests.  We’re a team, with a lot in common.  Rich alcoholics with wealth and privilege to protect know how to cover each other’s backs.

EARLY WORK EXPERIENCE

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.  But everything takes practice, especially for me.  And there was plenty of money to try anything again whenever I wanted to.  I figured I’d skip the small stuff and just go for Governor and President later.

I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas in 1975.  Dad bought me an oil company, but we couldn't find any oil in west Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.  Close call, but luckily I got out in time.  And it wasn’t a complete waste.  A lot of the streets in Midland are named for eastern colleges where me and my friends went to school.

I became a partner in the Texas Rangers baseball team for an investment of only 1% in a sweetheart deal that took land for a stadium using taxpayer money.  Pretty slick!  I’m proud of that one, especially the way it turned out (see * below).

With the help of dad and our many close friends in the oil and power industries (including Enron CEO Ken Lay, with whom I socialized a lot), I was elected Governor of Texas with no relevant qualifications, experience or ability.  But it didn’t really matter.  The job is mostly ceremonial and didn’t take much work, which is a good thing since I’m not a hard worker.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR

I “reformed” (wink) Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union.  The energy money had got me elected, and hey, I believe in friendship, loyalty and paying my bills.  For example, (*) a billionaire oilman I was able to help as Governor bought my interest in the Rangers for $14 million, a nice return on my $600,000 investment.  The real men out there understand what I’m talking about.

During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog ridden city in America. Hey, #1 in smog means productivity!  And what’s wrong with smog?   I never studied medicine, so what do I know about that?  And what I don’t know doesn’t matter when I’m the boss.

I cut taxes and pretty much bankrupted the Texas treasury through billions in borrowed money.  But that doesn’t bother me.  The folks who made Texas great get to keep their money, and payback will be other peoples’ problem  –  the suckers who don’t make it to the top.

I protected the image of our state's chief executive, me, and it wasn't always easy.  For example, when asked in 1999 about cocaine use, I denied having committed any felonies in the last 25 years.  Evasion isn’t actually lying, and anyway, that’s long enough for a partier to stay clean, right?  That’s when I learned to start pre-screening those guys’ questions.

I set the record for most executions by any Governor in American history.  Never mind all that DNA nonsense.  I never took biochemistry, but I read the Bible and if God didn’t want those sinners dead He wouldn’t have put me in office.

With the help of my little brother, the Governor of Florida who cleverly, illegally and fraudulently prevented nearly 50,000 mostly Black and Democratic citizens from voting, and my father's appointment of justices to the Supreme Court who were bold enough to violate conventional judicial ethics by failing to recuse themselves from Gore v. Bush despite conflicts of interest, I became President although losing by over 500,000 votes nationally.  How’s that for flying in low for a perfect landing on a wing, a prayer, and the Bush family values?  Don’t tell me I didn’t stay around the Air National Guard long enough to learn a thing or two!

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT

Getting off to a fast start in the first few months, I cut a lot of unnecessary government costs:

 $39 million from federal spending on public libraries (I never could read too good and look where I’m at.  Why do we need libraries anyway?  Do real men use libraries?)

 $35 million for advanced pediatric training for doctors.  Who needs it?  My kids are grown.

 28% from research on cleaner, more fuel efficient cars.  Would I bite the hand that feeds me?

 86% from the Community Access Program to help people without health insurance.  It just weakens America to keep these sick losers alive who can’t make it in our free enterprise system.

 50% from funds for renewable energy research.  Where’s the profit potential in wind and sunshine?  The stuff’s too easy to get and without scarcity how do we keep the prices up?

 $15.7 million from child abuse and neglect programs.  Let’s get real.  Discipline is the backbone of America, and the kids can’t vote but the parents can.

 $60 million from the Boys and Girls Clubs of America public housing programs.  We have to protect the real estate and home mortgage industries from all this low cost competition.  Otherwise people would just stop working the minimum wage jobs my friends provide.

 $200 million from workforce training programs for dislocated workers.  Who needs training for new jobs?  Look at me and Arnold!

 $200 million from the Childcare and Development grants for low income welfare to work programs.  If your folks didn’t raise you to be responsible, let them take care of your kids!

 $700 million from funds for public housing repairs.  Hey, don’t these freeloaders know how to pick up their own trash and use a paint brush?

 $500 million from the Environmental Protection Agency, to encourage them (wink) to get out of my friends’ way.

 97% from funds requested by the Justice Department for litigation against tobacco companies.  There are a lot of jobs (votes) that need protection in Virginia and the Carolinas, and they’re not far from my neighborhood when I’m visiting DC from the ranch.

In the first several months I also got us out of a lot of stupid commitments right away:

 Rules to reduce arsenic in drinking water.

 Rules to deny contracts to companies that violate federal workplace and environmental laws.

 Restrictions on logging, mining and drilling in national monuments.

 The 1997 Kyoto protocol to reduce global warming.

 The 2004 deadline for Detroit to develop prototype high mileage cars.

 The 1972 treaty banning germ warfare.

 Workplace ergonomic rules.

 My earlier promises to fund rainforest conservation and reduce carbon dioxide emissions (it sounded good at the time and by now everybody’s forgotten).

 Federal aid to international family planning organizations that support abortion.

 Federal support of embryonic stem cell research.

 Asking the American Bar Association to rate my judicial nominees.

 Bankruptcy laws protecting poor and working class losers who drag our economy down.

I also pushed through a tax cut, 43% of which went to my friends and supporters, the top 1% who make America great.  I also appointed lots of industry insiders  –  too many to list here  –   to protect American business from the environmentalists, affirmative action nuts, arms control nuts, product liability lawyers, and other enemies of the Free Market.

And since then I’ve done lots of other really important things:

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week, but it’s worth every penny.  Luckily I had the Clinton military which sure was an improvement over dad’s, so they were quick victories.  We killed a lot of Afghans for harboring a fugitive, a few thousand Iraqis and a few hundred Americans, but that’s the price of progress, freedom, and spreading the American way.  Baghdad now has a crime rate worthy of any American ghetto, and I got rid of my main rival for Most Dangerous Psychopath in the World.

I also got rid of that useless surplus Clinton accumulated and gave it back to my friends, the industrialists and money lenders who make America great and deserve it. Some people think it’s drowning the economy in debt for decades to come, but I never could understand economics in college or business school and I don’t believe that stuff.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.  Hey, #1 again!

During my first administration, America set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period.  It’s best to weed out the losers.  If you don’t have the family wealth to weather the down times, then get out of the way!

During my first administration, America set the all time record for most foreclosures in a 12 month period.  Probably those same losers who went bankrupt.

During my administration, America set the all time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.  That let my pals and I buy low to make a killing down the road.

I am the first president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.  It just shows that anyone can become President in this great country.

I set the all time record for most days on vacation in any one year period.  And I believe in short work days too.  It just requires delegation of absolutely everything if you're going to have plenty of time for getting out of sand traps and big Texas barbecues.  I learned in school that hard work, intelligence and ability isn’t needed to get ahead.  With a rich family, you can just outsource everything –  you know, term papers, foreign policy, everything.

After taking off the entire month of August 2001, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history. Clinton had warned me about Bin Laden and had handed me a great plan to go after al Queda, so fortunately I was able to use it immediately after 9/11.  It made me look great and nobody knew I got it from Clinton until Franken blew the whistle.

For a long time I successfully undermined and delayed the investigation into how I could have prevented 9/11 by listening to Clinton and paying attention to intelligence data, but why should I have believed him after Monica?  And besides, I had lots to do preparing to invade Iraq at the first opportunity.  I mean, Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Wolfowitz were always nagging me.  They wanted Saddam long before I came to office.  Just look at their website, “Project for the New American Century” put up in 1997.  It sounded good to me, and that’s why I appointed them.  You can’t appoint guys and then just ignore them.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a new WMD for me, the only world leader who can be trusted with one.  That’s why I cancelled on that Nuclear Test Ban Treaty.  How else can you get at these guys hiding in caves?

In my first State of The Union Address, I had to lie about our reasons for attacking Iraq, and then had to blame the lies on our British friends.  It’s the only thing the public would buy, and Tony covered like a real sport.  What are friends for?

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. president.  And all on the taxpayers' time, too.  This job really has great perks!

In my first year in office, over two million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues for the high-wage jobs.  Sure.  The Big Boys have been getting rid of the chaff, the useless labor, all those clowns around the water cooler.  And now the Dow went back up without having to rehire those deadbeats.

I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any president in U.S. history.  We pride ourselves on having an equal opportunity administration.  We don't discriminate by race, religion, or gender as long as they can lie, cheat, and steal.

I set the record for least number of press conferences of any president since the advent of television.  But so what?  The questions and answers are all scripted anyway.  You wouldn’t hear anything new.  And without my control, those guys are just out to make trouble, to worry and upset the American people to sell papers and air time.  Why make it easy for them?  And without them, there’s nobody else to bother me with confusing questions.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.  Hey, these are my friends.  They put me here.  Loyalty to my friends is my claim to character.

I have presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.  Well, after all, the Bin Ladens, the other Saudi royals, and the Bushes go back a long way.  We built the oil industry together, and they were there when we needed them.  Now they need the money.  And what do I care?  The government buys my gas.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and I support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families even though it's war time.  Hey, there IS a war on, remember?  We need a LOT of money in Iraq to show those ragheads we really care about them, and good Americans can take care of themselves!

I have set the all time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest against any person in public venues (15 million people) in the history of mankind. Wow!  That war was some attention getter!  I made history yet again!

I've broken more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.  Hey, do you give your kids everything you promise them?  America became a great nation by breaking treaties.  Do you still have to worry about the Indians?

And back home, I quickly got Ag Secretary Veneman to calm people down after that Mad Cow scare.  People started bringing up the GAO report that our food might not be safe and that expert panel that said the USDA inspection system was no good.  They were saying that we inspect only about one cow per thousand while the EU inspects one in four and Japan inspects all of theirs.  I mean, if they started inspecting too many of our cows there’s no telling what they might find, and then what could happen to all my cattle ranching neighbors?

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.  No whiny losers on my team!

I am the first president in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation.  We usually pretend to be liberating someone, so I declared we were liberating the Iraqis when WMDs didn’t work out.  The public will always buy liberation.  Clever, right?  I did so against the democratically expressed will of the United Nations Security Council, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.  But public opinion is easy to change since most people believe whatever I say, and the European nervous Nellies and Third World have nots will come around later when dollars are dangled under their noses.  And who cares?  They didn’t fund my campaign.

Some say Iraq was no threat to the United States.  But I disagree.  I have reliable, classified information from our best intelligence sources that Saddam and Osama were secret lovers planning to apply for a marriage license in Texas.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.  Impressive theatrical gesture, don’t you think?

I am the first president in U.S. history to preside over our removal by the United Nations from the Human Rights Commission.  That wasn’t doing us any good anyway, what with Guantanamo Bay and all.  We were only on it in the first place to cover our right wing friends accused of "human rights" lapses in Chile, Guatemala, Nicaragua, El Salvador, and a few other places while getting rid of the commies during the great Nixon and Reagan presidencies, but they don’t really need our help any more.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.  They were threatening to charge me with war crimes!  Can you imagine that?  Without us, there IS no world law.  I'm the only sheriff in town.

I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of war" (detainees) and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.  So what?  What do those Swiss know about war?  They sat out WW2, didn’t they?  I think so but I’m not sure, cause I never took history either.  Cheerleading and party responsibilities take up a lot of time.

I am the first president in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).  Well, of course.  They would have wanted to go to Florida where it's 80 degrees in November, and I sure didn’t want them snooping around down there!

I am the all time U.S. and world record holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.  Like I’ve said, what are friends for?  That frat party training was the most important thing I learned in college.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor and one of my best friends, Kenny Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history.  My political party used the Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during the election decision, so Kenny at least did something great for the country before he went down.

I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip offs in history.  Isn’t it great how easily Americans are excited by sex stories instead of anything important?  It’s sure been great for me and the Republican Party, worth every penny Starr spent  –  A $50 million taxpayer contribution to my election campaign that kept Gore from using the Democrats' best politician!

Great world sympathy was extended to the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later I made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, which some say was the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.  But better to be feared than loved.  That’s how I raised my daughters and do they reject me?  No, they’re party chicks, chips off the old block.

I am the first president in history to have a majority of Europeans view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.  Well, that’s Old World thinking for you.  Suffer through a few big wars, get a lot of cities bombed into oblivion, have a few million people killed, and all they think about is peace and security.  Let ‘em go live in the woods with the hippies.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.  I like people with a strong profit motive who are willing to take risks.  Besides, what’s good for the administration should be good for our contractors.  Nobody gets ahead in life without bending some rules.  That’s why I’ve left a few things off this resume that might be misconsumed.

It appears to some that I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice, but actually I’m waiting until the right politically advantageous moment to drag him out of his hole.

I taunted the Iraqi insurgents to “bring ‘em on” while personally protected by 800 Secret Service agents.  Let’s see the bastards get to me!  Wow!  It’s like the Super Bowl, watching guys mashing each other on TV, cheering on your team from a recliner between the fridge and the toilet, with a beer in hand and peanuts on the table.  That’s the kind of combat I like.

I am having John Ashcroft look into the scandal of illegally revealing the name of a CIA agent, jeopardizing not only her life but those of all her previous contacts, by a “high administration official” in retaliation for her husband exposing my lie about the African uranium deal that never happened.  Some whiners complain that it’s an outrageous conflict of interest, but I need Rove here for the 2004 campaign.

I am stealing from the Social Security trust fund at tremendous peril to future generations to establish my place in history as a macho man of action, making bold moves on the world stage.  What the hell, winners don’t need social security anyway.

I am expanding the U.S. Federal debt at an extraordinary rate, also at tremendous peril to future generations some say, but that just sounds like more of that economic gobbledy gook I don't understand.  My granddads taught us you have to spend money to make money.  Invading France and Russia and bombing England were high-risk ventures to finance, as well as real PR challenges, but granddad Bush came out without a scratch and a few bucks in his pocket.  And wow, the U.S. Treasury is the highest limit credit card I’ve ever taken to Vegas!  Like Jesus –  who I consult about every decision – told me in one of our private prayer sessions, “let those among you who could resist that credit line cast the first stone.”

RECORDS AND REFERENCES

All records of my tenure as Governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed, and unavailable for public review.

All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

All records or minutes from meetings that I or my Vice president attended with energy executives regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

So you’ll just have to take my word  –  or lack thereof –  for everything.  Feel controlled, limited, pretty much helpless?  Hey, that's my strength.  Please consider my unequaled record in perception control, manipulation, self protection, and proactive aggression when voting in 2004.  Isn’t that what you want of your Supreme Commander in a perilous world?
 

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Copyright 2004 Jack Dresser, Ph.D.